Liberation and the New Way

Each year since I was thirteen, I’ve made the same New Year’s resolution. I would look up into the night sky and watch the streams of light launch into the air and glimmer in their glory as they illuminated my face. Imagining the lights as glowing dandelions, I would dream and wish, “I’m going to fight so hard this year that these gay feelings will go away,” dreaming like a goal, or more overpowering, a covenant.

With many resolutions, we tend fail and forget what we were trying to accomplish. We allow our negligence to fight off our will and shoe away our determination. With few resolutions, they evolve into a life’s mission, enticing the very fabric of our minds. These resolutions are like weeds, burying their roots in our tender thoughts. These resolutions, we do not forget.

This resolution became my life. The next year would come: “I’m going to fight so hard this year that these gay feelings will go away.” I continued to fight for its sake, but the consistency of my determination generated the very consistency of my feelings. They never changed. I never changed. Pseudo-hope filled my pillow with hopelessness as I laid on my bed, the same ol’ Sean, depressed and weeping.

Encountering God’s love -- His love displayed through all people -- finally drew me to a resolution, my resolution with the present. Until I was freed from the enslavement by the present, I could not look ahead. Now, I embrace my unique alignment within this world and can face my future and this year, a year different in every way: full of new people, new experiences, and new identities.

This distinction calls for an alternative resolution, a resolution wrought out of hopes for a new future and love for my community. An intentional resolution where my happiness does not end with me. A committed resolution where God’s love reaches beyond the confides of my body. A welcoming resolution where all can discover they are first and foremost sons and daughters of the Lord Most High.

Jesus calls us to love; that is what I plan to do with my year. Leaving people where I had been left over the last several years of my life is a gruesome act. Leaving people without love is inhumane. The first step towards resolution requires love, and experiencing love requires a hospitable environment.

I want to create a place where my friends and I are welcomed and presented the love of God, where they are embraced and introduced to their design. This year, I aim to love others, helping them discover where they can participate in this community, their design in the greater Kingdom, for each individual has a distinct role in this network called life.

The Greatest of These Is Love

December nights in San Diego can get surprisingly cold from time to time. After throwing a thermal over my t-shirt, I pulled over the thickest sweatshirt I could find and slid my jeans right over my warm sweats. In the process, I remembered a pair of purple wool gloves that I took from Mama Lewis just before I left Oregon and covered my hands. Opening the door, I turned to my roommate sitting at his desk, dreading the difficult conversation to come, I mumbled, “I’m going to tell Steven.” Walking out the door, I heard an empathetic “good luck” slipped through just before it closed.

Tentatively glancing up the staircase, I sighed and started dragging my feet, plopping the thousand-pound anchors on each step. Once I finished yanking my apprehensive body to the entrance of my dorm, I saw my good friend, hands in his pockets, slowly walking over from his dorm just across the parking lot.

Steven and I had known each other for two years now and had been close friends over the last year. We’ve had countless conversations before but none like this, none so personal. I would say some of them were more like intellectual debates while others were primarily silly disagreements for the sake of optimism and pessimism. So I knew exactly how he would lead conversation, deeply clinging to Scripture with primarily conservative ideas. He’d call me an idiot and tell me I’m wrong, leaving me exposed, naked, and once again, abandoned.

While I silently hauled my lifeless body up another set of stairs, he coolly scaled them beside me, waiting for me to initiate something. As we got closer to the top of the stairs, pressure began to swell, pressing on my soul and bawling for freedom. After building it up for hours upon hours, I couldn’t suppress the pressure any longer. The words were violently pressing on my tongue, and like a long-dormant geyser erupting, I opened my mouth: “Steven, I’m gay.”

Silence filled the air as my heavy words lingered above us. Nothing. We took a few more steps. Nothing. Where was his outburst? Where was his reprimanding? Where was the condescension? Pure silence. For a moment, we stopped walking, and I looked him in the eyes. Looking at me as he faintly squinted and gently flexed his forehead, he responded.

“Okay.”

One simple, four-letter-word response: “Okay.” A straight-forward, “okay.” Not a disgusted “ooookay,” not a terrified “okaaaay,” or not a scoffing “oookaaaay.” Just an abrupt “okay” without contempt, without judgment. A mellow okay of considerate curiosity. A conscious okay of intentional acceptance. A moderate okay of hospitality.

Indirectly, he invited me to fill the conversation with my experiences and my thoughts, liberation. My burden of rejection dissipated into the illusion that it truly was, and I realized that I was wrong. My presuppositions about him and my ideas about his character were wrong, elaborate fantasy that could not last in the presence of love.

Sometimes, we’re just wrong. We respond to the world with what we think is best. When friends come to us in times of sadness, we tend to encourage them with the words faith and hope, but these words fall short. Faith just left me wrestling with myself, wondering if I actually believed. Hope just reminded me of my hopelessness, considering the worthlessness of life. Independently, they're insufficient. By themselves, they’re powerless.

It’s love. When a person is waiting to be belittled and unheard, love keeps the dialogue open for the individual to fill with their self, with what weights their heart. When a person is ready to be torn to pieces, love creates space for them to process with you, free of judgment. When a person is on the brink of quitting, love shows them that they are not alone, that humanity is designed for community. When a person is about to give up, love invites them to stay engaged in the ongoing, perplexing conversation that is the concept of God. It. Is. Love.

As we walked back to where we started, the conversation began to dwindle. With his flawless conclusion, Steven comforted me: “Sean, you are my friend, and I still love you.” Following my gratitude, he topped it off with a hug, and to my surprise, my life was changed. He had done it all. Through love, I discovered faith. Through love, I discovered hope. Through love, I discovered God. Love won.

Who's Saying Grace?

Today, we had another annual Christmas dinner in the small town of the Dalles, Oregon with my mom’s sister’s family. Yes, my aunt. The family of atheists. Christian-ridiculing atheists. Every year, my family and I make our way to their house. Every year, we say grace before dinner. Every year, either my father or I do it. This year, it happened differently.

Our two merged families, totaling ten bodies, gather around the table. It had be several hours since our last meal. We’re getting hungry. We’re getting antsy. So, we end up ditching the traditional course distribution. As more food was taken from the kitchen to the table, everyone was standing around the table and gathering what they wanted and placing it on their plates.

My uncle is the first to gather his collection of food and starts digging in. A couple of us started giving him a hard time because people were still preparing their plates, and no one said grace. Seconds later, everyone is finishes grabbing their food, and we sit crammed around the table.

“Well, who’s going to say grace?” says my mom as she glanced at me, implying that I ought to.

I spout out, “Since Uncle Mike ate first, he should get to say grace this year,” curious because I know the agnostic he is.

“If I do it, it won’t be that great,” responds my uncle.

After reassuring him that it does not need to be perfect (and various comments of pseudo-prayers by others), we all hold hands and bow our heads, and he begins to pray.

“Thank you for this food in front of us. Please bless us and this meal… if You’re up there.”

If You’re up there... The words reverberated in my heart as I became silent, slicing my ham and taking a bite. I have spent thing year wrestling with the continuous belief in God, and he laughs off any of the beliefs. I respect him greatly as a wise individual, but really?

At our Christmas Eve get-together the night before, a few of us began a conversation on Mormonism. The talk is not as important as what I overheard him say to another girl in the conversation, “Everyone thinks their religion is right, but really no one knows. It just depends on where you grow up.” Taken aback, I sat silently in my chair. I’m here incessantly wrestling with the existence of God, and you carelessly blow it off. How is that possible?

What is it that makes me so attached to Christianity? Can I really explain it in such a way that a non-believer would find in appealing? Or make the connection for the agnostic? Is that on me or the doing of the Holy Spirit?

There.

Sit, Sean. Love. That’s your job.

We are told to love and be loved.

Here’s to spending time with my family and the ones I love, enjoying my community and participating in what really matters. Love. Merry Christmas!

Naked Epiphanies

Three-quarters past midnight. Lights out. Roommates asleep. Body immobilized. Spirit restless. Anxiety percolated from my bed where tears were once shed. Laying siege to my body, my elbows begin to tense, and my knees begin to ache. Perturbed, I begin twitching to ease the discomfort in my joints. This has happened before. It's a bodily mind game. Just. Get. Up. I pop out of bed to beat anxiety before its grip becomes too strong, mosey my way to my laptop, and being to write.

As ideas fluttered through my mind, they raged too rampantly to consolidate. Words so vivid yet so barren. Two o'clock rolls by, and I realize this is not a task to be completed tonight. Taking a frustrated glance back at my bed, seems the anxiety had faded back, ready to wreak havoc another night.

Hovering over my bed. I still don't feel ready. No, not yet. Let's stay up a little longer. Anxiety won't have time to manifest if exhaustion takes me first. It's time to shower.

Remove my sweats, grab my towel, sneak out of my room, flip on the bathroom lights, and start the shower. As the waters warm, I look myself in the mirror to see nothing but a cold grimace.

"What's wrong?"

I make my way to the shower and hop in. The droplets scorched my skin as I hastily reached for the knob, struggling to find equilibrium. Eureka! I have it. After moments of washing up, I pause. Soaking in the moment, words from an earlier conversation linger in my mind.

“Sean, you are my friend, and I still love you.”

The water runs across my freshly decontaminated skin. I sense the warmth of what is overcoming me. Apprehension washes down my thigh, through the crevices in my knee, over the hair on my leg, and onto the shower floor. Watching these streams of fear and shame spiral down the drain, love begins to penetrate into my veins.

“Sean, you are my friend, and I still love you.”

The words resonate within my heart once more, and my stony face begins to crack a faint grin.

“Sean, you are my son, and I still love you.”

My suppressed grin turns to rapturous smile, fighting winds of joy within my lungs.

“Sean, you are my son, and I still love you.”

The winds of joy blow through my cheeks, and laughter takes over. Smothering my face with my trembling hands, tears of joy stream down my face. I have seen it! There it is! The very segment of life I have been scrounging to find for so long has been right in front of me. How could I be so foolish? I finally understood. I finally understand.

“I. Still. Love. You.”

I turned off the shower, grabbed my scissors, and cut it off.

Stop Running

This past week carried more emotions than any prior weeks. Other weeks were filled with momentary bouts of anger, sadness, confusion. This week was filled with a constant slew of frustration.

Impeding lethargy.

Impulsive eruptions of tears.

Instances of distanced silence.

Needless to say, anxiety has taken its toll on me this past week. I apologize for the detachment. Underlying the plain stress from final projects, homework, track, and jobs one, two, and three lies the malignant discomfort of internal and external dissonance, a diminished D-sharp lingering in the air.

As I laid in bed, in darkness, in silence. As the room began to twist, shrink, and contort. As fear diffused over my peace, disbanding hope and love. Reality relentlessly continued to rear its face. Images of the past colliding with reality imprisoned my mind, thrashing it from wall to wall, as peace struggled for a twinge of breath.

All pounding against eyes, the dikes restraining the streams of agony to come. Overflowing, my heart cries out.

“Resistance is futile. Reality is always there. There is no more running.”

Depression sank its way into the pockets of my mind. Tears flowed across my cheeks, soaking into my “Thomas the Train” pillow from childhood. My reality is inescapable. My reality will not let go.

Perhaps reality is not to be run from. Perhaps reality is just what it is, real. Real and meant to be real. Tangible. Fact. I refuse to keep running. I’m sitting still. Embracing my place, Embracing my design. In reality. In Creation. In a universe much larger than I.

Greatest Speech Ever Made

My roommate showed me this video the other day and I don't know where to begin. This speech completely motivated me, but it digs so deep. I can feel passion welling up in my body and selfishness start to ease up its grip, but I'm left more frustrated than motivated. The feelings of motivation are causing me to wonder what I am supposed to do now. There is so much that I could do, but as a human (or maybe just an INFP... yes, Meyers-Briggs), I catch myself with feelings that are causing me to be selfish and do things out of my own intentions and to make myself feel better. Are these the feelings to do away with? The selfishness? Are we to seek to help, to better society?

Should I get rid of want except for the want to help others? But I can’t neglect my own needs or else I won't be able to help others. We all have these feelings, but these feelings and desires for our own good are holding us back. Should we not just do away with all our needs and become robots dedicated to helping others, for didn’t someone once say, "The man who wants nothing is invincible"? Well, that's the man that I want to be. The invincible one. The one who isn't vulnerable, sign me up for that one. Do away with my own wants because who did that ever help but myself. Learn and know what is right for all you see. Help them, learn their needs, and form your want into solely wanting to help them. Won’t that will help us all? But these feelings for myself... they won't go away.

But wait, is that what this is? An aim to get us in touch with our humanity? To realize we have been chasing the vanities of greed, power, and wealth? To realize that as humans our greatest tool is our ability to feel, to love, to connect? To realize that we are designed to want to see the best in others? We need this humanity, kindness and gentleness derived from these very personal wants and desires to be connected and unified with all. We are humans with the capacity to love humanity. We are not designed for hatred. Hate is a byproduct of our lack of love. “We have the power to create happiness. To make this life free and beautiful. To make it an adventure.”

Work Out Your Salvation

Recently, the messages at Flood Church here in San Diego have been motivational and have shaken up my shaken up some of my beliefs once again, in a good way. Although spring 2011 was a big time of disturbed beliefs, this helped solidify my beliefs even more. Matt Hammett’s messages have been challenging and have returned my life to me, the individual. The current series is called Safe and Sound: The Trite and True in Christian Clichés, and in the series, we are looking at Christian clichés and seeing what is biblical and what is hyped up tradition. Today, we completed the second week of the series.

The first week was the one message I wanted to hear, “Does God Have A Perfect Plan For Your Life?” The message fueled me and my personal responsibility to make decisions. After looking at Jeremiah 29:11, I realized it is usually taken out of context and used to formulate the idea that God has our whole lives laid out and has all these plans for us to fulfill. In contrast, Jeremiah 29:11 was designed for specific people in a specific place in a specific time. To abstract from that and create a universal truth for all people is wrong. God leaves it open for us to make decisions, but if there is something that he wants us to get done, like a Jonah moment, He will get it done. That is what’s not always happening though. Our pastor used the analogy of a painting to make is point more tangible. God provides us with this canvas of our life, gives us some paint of various events and gifts, and lets us go after it. Sometimes He’ll have to get us to paint something in particular or have us “paint by number,” but ultimately it’s us painting this masterpiece of God. This took me aback because for once I heard in church that I was responsible for things. Much of the time, people use God as the excuse for so many things when they don’t want to accept responsibility, as though God is making them do something. This was my dilemma back in the spring, a loss of purpose and an acknowledgement that I could ruin God’s plans. All of a sudden I felt a rush of responsibility, but this message reminded me of the freedom within grace and most importantly reminded me that God is still working. God is acting in what I do today, taking me to the message from today, “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves.”

Today at Flood brought me back to my Tetelestai: It Is Finished blog from July. Regardless of where we are, God has grace for us, and we either resist this grace or accept it. The success we face is not from our own doing, but God’s doing. If we think it’s our own, like when we are told to “follow our hearts,” we have this self-reliant faith that we can do whatever we want, but Jeremiah tells us that the heart is deceitfully wicked. Instead we need to remember grace and realize that 1) we can’t make ourselves a son or daughter of God and 2) we can’t live the life God calls us to live on our own.

For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. - 1 Cor 15:9-10

From Philippians 2:12, we are told to work out our salvation, not to work for our salvation. When we look at the statement “God helps those who help themselves” in light of grace, we start realizing that it’s truly that “God helps those who can’t help themselves.” It struck me when we read 1 Cor 15:9-10, where Paul is saying that he is the least of the apostles, the guy who wrote about half of the New Testament is the least of the apostles. Although he used to persecute the church, God extends grace even to him. “You are loved and accepted. Work out of that.”

From all this, I have been realizing that one cliché that I continually cling to is that I am supposed to surrender and let God do all the work, but after hearing these messages, God leaves is open for me to do things, but that doesn’t mean that He isn’t constantly active in my actions, working in me to will and to act His purpose. I am called to God-dependent work, work that relies on effort and work of the Holy Spirit. Grace is against earning but not against effort. Although I haven’t figured out what next, I’m still left with remembering to work out another cliché, who I am in Christ.

Breakfast with the Author of The Shack

I grew up with the greatest privilege of knowing the Paul Young and his children. Paul is the author of New York’s Times Best Seller, The Shack, and possibly one of the most intelligent individuals I have personally known. Back on August 17th, I had breakfast with him, a time that is still continuing to shape my faith. The premise of our conversation comes from my brokenness from my spring semester 2011. Back in May, I wrote ”Play” Summer has Arrived, and he was one of the individuals that I wanted to talk with so that I could develop some affirmations in my theology.

I was at the Young household one day and explained where I have been and asked him if he wanted to get coffee or breakfast later in the week. He was more than glad to. May I add that he and his family are some of the biggest characters of love.

One of the first things he explained to me, which I think is detrimental to his as well as our own theology, is that our religion is based on relationship. We are involved with this God and this God is involved with us. It dates back before creation. Part of how I was rationalizing the trinity in my head, I was using this God beyond comprehension that expresses himself in three persons – the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Paul started tinkering with that, arguing that that view made God self-centered and apart from relationship. He started explaining to me the distinctness of the three persons and how they are in relationship with one other and express other-focused love. When we start there, it redefines everything.

After he explained salvation, I couldn’t help but ask the question, “What now?” It was one of the burning questions in my heart. He went on to explain by bringing out the uniqueness of individuals and how we are an expression of God’s love and God’s character. We all hold and share some of the characteristics and attributes of God in some way, He specifically explained it like this:

Whether you know it or not, Jesus has placed his love for his Creation in your heart, and you are sharing the way god loves this planet… When you see that mom who loves her little child and gets up at two in the morning dog-dead tired to take care of her baby, she is sharing the part of God in a passion he shares with her. When you see the way two people care and love each other. When you see the way the farmer plows the ground and works the soil. He is sharing not only in the way in God’s affection for growing things but also the love for us and providing for us. It’s everywhere. Every good thing comes from God. I can talk to the musician who is so anti-religion and mad at God and hear in his music the presence of the Holy Spirit because that desire to create truth or declare something wrong is a good thing. Whether he knows Jesus name or not, whether he knows where it comes from or not, it’s not a limitation of God’s creation. We’ve created a very static model of whether you’re in or out. You know what it is, it’s not about asking Jesus into our lives, it’s about realizing we’ve always been included in his.

It goes back to the relationship I mentioned earlier, we are all designed to work within creation and in relation with one another. When seen like this, you start seeing that we are all tools of God’s expression of love, unique individuals designed for some sort of love of God. You start to lose sight of the idea that it’s just you and start seeing that relation of all creation with itself and its Creator.

Back in the spring, one of the biggest things I felt I lost was my purpose, and Paul’s description of “what now” finally started getting me to remember that I was created for something. The near restoration of purpose was satisfying, but another characteristic of God that faltered along with my faith was that He worked presently throughout my life. I explained to Paul a friend’s challenge of open theism, and he came back with the idea of deep intimacy, that God created me and knows me so well that He knows what will happen and what I’m gonna do. One of my biggest concerns with the elimination of God’s purpose in my life was realizing that I could potentially mess something up, that God had an intention but I could’ve gone astray long ago.

We have created our certainty on theological ideas, not on his character, not on the fact He loves you. And so what God challenged was a good challenge, he was challenging the fact that you were thinking you had a relationship because you were trusting in theological certainties, like God has a plan and all this. God G-O-D distant. It’s this certainty based in his attributes not based his character. That he is for you all the time that he knows you intimately, he knows how you’re built, you matter to him. He loves you relentlessly and you can’t change the way he loves you. There’s nothing you can do to change the way he loves you. He already knows you’re gonna screw up. He’s worked it in… [H]e says look, “I know it’s going to take you 42 times to get this. So the first time I tell you and you totally ignore it. I’m going 41 to go. So I celebrate the fact that you didn’t hear Me because I know how long it’s going to take you.” This is relationship with somebody who absolutely adores you, who you are, how you have been created.

This was when our conversation became emotional on my part. I don’t think I allowed him to see that it was getting to me, but when he was saying that, I was holding back tears, internally fighting what he was saying, not because it finally made sense, but because I still could not believe it was true. I could not see it. I cannot see it. With focusing on faith for Peter’s Challenge, this is one of the ideas that I can only hold by faith because I don’t think I can see it any other way. This is when my faith starts to flourish again, realizing I need to trust God as well as other people as extensions of God’s love. As a thinker, I create a lot of scenarios in my head, but “God doesn’t live inside anything that is not real.” Paul explained that the biggest fear that comes of negative or imaginative thoughts is that God does not move there, and they come out of our already corrupt thought processes. No doubt that they could potentially do well, but it’s in these thoughts to be wary.

What now is wrapped up in who you are and who you’re becoming, the deepening honesty in your relationship with the father son and Holy Spirit. The move toward authenticity, the eradication of secrets, there are so many pieces to this. The joy of relationship the risk involved in relationship. Relationship and faith always involve risk. Religion involves risk. You just have to know what you have to do. You learn to live in the grace for one day. We learn to live without expectations which are disappointments waiting to happen.

This conversation helped reconstruct my faith and is now slowly but surely moving me towards participation in God’s community. God designed us to live in community and work with one another, and my role is to participate as a unique piece in God’s Creation. There are some parts of this conversation that impacted me drastically and others that I am still sketchy about. But hey, more than anything, I wanted some clarification on some aspects of theology and I happily got more that I asked for. All-in-all, Paul’s words were a message of love.

Peter's Challenge: FAITH

In my previous post (Peter's Challenge: 8 Weeks to Love), I talked about my "eight weeks to love" plan, and my first step was faith, the most tough and most foundational step. After about two weeks of deliberation, I finally grabbed a faint hold of my idea of faith. Since faith is the foundation for the attributes to follow, the time is absolutely necessary.

When I focused on faith the past couple weeks, I realized it requires belief and trust in something or someone. I realized there are some beliefs that can only be held onto by faith. Sometimes, you must have definite knowledge of faith, knowing that there is no absolute truth about an idea but at the same time knowing that is can must and only be accepted by faith, infallibly holding an indefinite ideology. The expression of this belief requires trusting God with the rough spots, trusting that God is on my team and will work things out for the better. There are so many aspects of God that I don’t comprehend, but one definite concept is that I am loved and cared for by God. God designed us to live in community and work with one another, and my role is to participate as a unique piece in God’s Creation. This participation requires the output of some of my greatest struggles, in the event that those form much of my being and much of my story. But because of past events, I have trust issues that have allowed me to build up some of the greatest walls against people. So part of I’m discovering that part of the expression of my faith is that I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and loved unconditionally by God and others. The Holy Spirit is making a better story for me, and I must forfeit my story.

Basically, I have been discovering that faith is optimism, a hope for something uncertain, holding onto the hope that things will work out, and knowing that regardless I can trust that God will provide and work things out for the better. I had been trying so long to prove to myself that some things were absolutely true, but that completely defeats the purpose of faith. Sometimes you just gotta hold on tight and see how things roll out.

PS. I had a conversation with the author of the Shack back in August that plays a huge role in some beliefs that I realized I can only hold onto by faith, click here to read it.

Peter's Challenge: 8 Weeks to Love

With the harsh spiritual season of winter this past spring, I spent my summer reconstructing my spiritual life back to a healthy spot. All I could really come up with was that I needed to "love." Returning to Point Loma, although still on the edge, I made my focal point of this year to love others because as a Christian that is what I am called to do. Two weeks ago, I went to my first church service at Flood Church after being back to San Diego, and Scripture reading stuck with me more than any other reference from a church service. The reference was 2 Peter 1:1-9, but the portion that stuck with me came from verses 5-7.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.

Immediately, those verses hit me. I had been focusing on love, and here Peter lays out a "formula" of virtues, leading you to love. I realized, “This is it! A way to construct a virtuous character focused on love!” I admire most that he tells us to "add to," making sure you hold on to what you learned before. At the beginning and the end are the most important ones to remember because "faith" is your foundation and "love" is your goal. Because of this, I am doing an eight week plan to get to love. Each week, I am focusing on a different one of these virtues, hoping that in the end I reach love. The process will not start until I grab a semi-firm grip on faith because it is one of the most important traits. 2 weeks ago I decided I was going to do this plan... and I still haven't left “faith”... I hope I grab ahold of this soon...
As I go along, I will be laying out a timeline/reminder on my wall of the focal words and important dates when something powerful happened or I learned something amazing that will link back to an entry in my journal. Right now, I have “Faith” taped on my wall, with a date (17 Aug 11) which I will get into more detail about when I write my “faith” follow-up blog. I pray that this is a life-changing process and something glorious rises out of it… and I can cut my padawan braid. Pray for wisdom in this time of discovery.

NOTE: For those who don’t know, I have been growing a padawan braid since my spiritual life became rough, and it has become an on-going symbol of my apprenticeship to God and that I am not ready. When God shows me something profound and I am ready, I will cut it off. But until then… it continues to grow.

Tetelestai: "It. Is. Finished."

I've been driving around the past month with 8 books sitting in my trunk, but I pick up one of these books once, maybe twice, a week. So as part of my goals for the next few weeks, I wanted to finish at least half of these books. I'm around 30minutes finishing the first one but I had to stop and write this blog because I was struck with an epiphany.

Several weeks ago, I was dying to read Rob Bell's latest book, Love Wins. Bell came and spoke at my college in February, and I had heard of this controversial book and wanted to pick it up. With all that I had been wanting to learn this summer, I ordered the book but simply could not wait for it to come. So, I found an audio version of the book online and downloaded it. I started listening to it, and then I realized I should take notes on my computer simultaneously, making it much easier to multitask as well as finish the book in less than 4 hours and have a collection of notes. With 30 minutes left on the audiobook, Bell struck me with an idea, and I merely could no longer focus because my thoughts were racing, he was continuing to talk, and I was still trying to take notes. So now I have paused the book, and put on my "Jon Schmidt Radio"(Solo Piano) on Pandora.

Although many, as well as myself, would say that Bell has some obsure beliefs, he presents an overwhelming image of the sacrifice of Christ using the story of the prodigal son. Within the story of the prodigal son, there are four smaller stories: the younger son's story of himself, the older son's story of himself, and the father's story for both of his sons. The younger son comes home thinking that he is unworthy to be called a son and will settle to be a servant for his father, but the father says otherwise, "Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." Meanwhile, the older son comes home from the fields to this celebration and says to his father that he has been slaving away for his father and hasn't received as much as a goat for his own celebration with his friends, but his younger brother gets a whole celebration in his name even though he left. The father goes on to reshape his story as well, "My son... you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

The younger son though he was unworthy to be called a son, and the older brother thought of himself as more of a servant, but the father tells them both that they are both his sons. I always thought this story was about returning to God and knowing that you will be accepted but there's more than that. It's about choosing heaven over hell, choosing to be loved for what you are or holding onto your beliefs about yourself. That's what Christ came to do, to tell us that we are loved. Return to Him becuase "It.Is.Finished."



During this last spring, a good friend of mine shared the meaning of "tetelestai" in our weekly friday track team devotional. tetelestai translated literally means "it is finished." It is the last word that Jesus said on the cross when he was crucified, but simply translated as "It is finished," the word loses it power and context. Back in the ancient days, when you owed someone you performed labor for them if you could not provide the money. When you had done enough labor, tetelestai was written on a business documents to say that someone's debt had been paid in full and no more money or labor was necessary, they were free. So when Jesus said "tetelestai" on the cross, He was saying "It is finished. Your debt has been paid in full. You are free."

I had heard this all before, but today it finally started coming together. My debt has been PAID IN FULL. God has said "YOU ARE MY SON." It is now up to me to accept God's story for me, or to hold to the story I have written myself, a story absent of love and soaked in insecurity. Choosing the latter is denying to live in the Kingdom of God and partaking in a reality where the love of God cannot flourish. "Tetelestai." My debt has been paid in full.

IT. IS. FINISHED.

Mid-summer Regroup

I woke up "early" this morning to "grab coffee" with a "friend from high school." By "early," mean I had to set an alarm for 8am. By "grab coffee," I mean have an awesome conversation that time could not allow for. Lastly by "friend from high school," I mean an outstanding individual from 3rd grade who I am more than glad to know, Kristina.

The conversation helped me make note to myself of what I desired to do this summer. Although I planned on going to Canada this summer, I have lost track of time and don't believe I will be able to incorporate it with the lighter details of summer goals. All the previous goals I had set were lost over a month ago along with my notebook that I write just about everything in. I bought a new notebook a few days ago, and now it holds new goals for the last month of summer before I return to San Diego.

A major goal for me this summer that has not changed was to write blog entries this summer concerning my beliefs on theology, or at least study it more. Lately though, I have been satisfied with other projects, like ThisIsPortlandia and working on my car, and my own isolated rumination of God rather than taking in new ideas. I've been wrestling on my own and it has become time to take more in. Kristina and I began talking about books that we've been reading and it reminded me that I have about 8 books sitting in my trunk that I wanted to read this summer, but all I've done is spent a few moments in them and then set them down.

So along with finally reading those books. I've made goals for the playful and simple things of summer like painting or playing guitar or taking night pictures of downtown, just small things to keep me entertained and sane while at the same time providing a feeling of productivity.

In these last few weeks of summer, part of my goals is to finally keep you all updated with blog posts. So, I'll be keeping them coming. Time to get this summer rolling.

Dunes Bible Camp Reflection 2011

After returning from two weeks as a counselor at Dunes Bible Camp, I hold onto mixed emotions as I look back on the experience. I did three different camps of various age groups, Jr High, primary (1st-3rd grade), and junior (4th-6th grade). I feel as though it went by so fast and at the same time, it felt like I was there forever, but returning home, it feels like I was only gone a couple days. At times the kids were frustrating and at other times they brought me the greatest joy. Much of it is a blur together and full of so many different experiences, but I'll only share the best, the worst, the most awkward, and the greatest thing I learned.

The Worst:
For the worst experiences, I had the hardest times getting the campers to focus during our downtimes. Fun times were awesome, my co-counselor's and I had a difficult time getting them to say anything serious or even pay attention when we would have cabin discussions. Next time, if the opportunity ever rises again, we will definitely need to do cabin time not in the cabin.
Other than trying to get them to be slightly serious, the other "worst" experiences came from the random times outside of cabin time that they chose to open up, and you began to here parts of their stories that utterly broke your heart. There was a moment on the last night of Junior camp, in which campers could share how they were giving something to God. The first girl to share something opened up her story with "when I was 2 days old, my father left me," and she continued saying that she has written him letters over the years and has never gotten anything back. She's never heard or seen from her father and my heart just sank. I was sitting next to one of my campers and that hit him hard because his parents split when he was 2 years old and he only sees his father once maybe twice a year down in Mexico. It was stories like that created the "worst" experiences of the time, which lead to the best moments.

The Best:
The best moments come off of the "worst" moments, and hearing these kids stories. They are so young but to really connect with some kids is awesome. I just wish that I had a little more time with them, that these moments did not end with camp. These kids surprised me with when they would decide to open up but I loved their honesty, but they were exactly the reason why I wanted to do these camps, to hear and love in these moments of brokeness.
My other best moments came just from hanging out with all the little buggas: algae fights in the lake, dancing to silly camp songs, joking about whatever, and people-watching. It was all so good. Probably one of my favorite kids was Alex in the Junior camp because he was smart, funny, and real. It was awesome because it seemed he was actually human and not a kid. It made me wish that I had a little brother. I have no other way of explaining it, but he was a bomb diggity kid.

The Most Awkward:
There weren't too many straight up awkward moments. It's church camp so you learn that anything goes and ya gotta do whatcha gotta do. During junior high camp, there was a group of girls in the chapel lawn that decided to play the "penis" game, in which you progressively start saying, "penis" louder and louder. So going over there and talking to them about that was decently awkward.
Since I have been struggling so much with theology lately, "spreading the gospel" has become a difficult task and definitely awkward. Sorting through my beliefs for myself was difficult and then trying to present the basic principles of evangelical Christian was awkward, thinking I don't know really know how I feel about this and I have to explain it to children, but this is probably the greatest thing I learned over the weeks.

Greatest Thing I Learned:
Recently, I had been so caught off guard by the various branches of belief and truth that I lost track of the basics. I mean just before camp I was listening to an audio version of Love Wins by Rob Bell, and that was getting my mind flowing. Although it was hard trying to explain to them something that I myself was slightly unsure of, Dunes helped me get back to the basics and beginning to focus on what is at the core of the Christian belief.

So Long Teenage Years

Birthdays are always funny. The culture creates age requirements for different responsibilities, and we become accustomed to meet this standard which allows us to partake in some sort of activity - driving at 16, adulthood and tobacco use at 18, and drinking at 21. Along with the national age requirements, there are the ones within a community, like years in college or years of "experience." The silly part comes that once we finally reach these goals, we hardly actually feel different other than acknowledging the fact we finally reached whatever standard. If we were not to keep track of these things and purely judge people on their actions and personality themselves, we would actually see the readiness of an individual to handle some sort of privilege.

Although I am not meeting any of these "standards" today, today is still my 20th birthday, and I have left my teenage years. With reaching this new achievement (if you like so say it is one), I hardly feel ready, nay worthy, to leave my teenage years. I have much to learn and figure out about being an individual adult, bringing me to my next point. Besides giving us privileges, standards show us something else our lack of measuring up, and no, I will not be going into some post on the grace of God.

When we realize that we have failed to meet the standards of the standard, it reminds us that we have either lost something or that we have something that must be attained. When nearing graduation, the high school or college ill-prepared student realizes that in moments, real life is starting up and they don’t know their next step. At 40, men face their mid-life crisis and realize they have fallen out of their prime and need to start living their life again. Now I'm twenty, and it's time to really start thinking about life because holding onto what I have believed fails to cut it from time to time.

Since today is my birthday and marks the beginning of my 20s, this marks the beginning of the growth of myself as an individual, making the significance of change in this summer even greater. This summer I am learning to separate moments of reflection from moments of fun and not let the two conflict with one another, within reason. Some of the greatest value comes from teamwork and community, and as much as I would like to do something by myself, more hands and more heads can complete a task quickly and more efficiently (Thank you principles of Computer Science). When learning, there is some sort of external teacher; whether nature, individual, book, etc., something must teach the learner. Even though I am satisfied with this observation now more open to others teaching me, as a feisty introvert, I am highly hesitant to being vulnerable. This is when my "lack of concern" for individuality must take place, for I must realize the greater of the two is community. So in this moment of maturity, the time has come for me to break down the walls of introversion and get this life moving.

"Play" Summer Has Arrived

On Friday, I took my last final, and my summer officially started. Seeing this summer as my last "play" summer (possible internship next summer and real life after that), I have high hopes and large goals to accomplish. With my focal points being seeing, learning, and changing, my intentions are to go out this summer and do just that: seeing what's going on around me, learning what's been so murky this semester, and changing what hasn't been up to par in my life.

For the next month, my days will be spent in San Diego, exploring what I haven't really had the opportunity to explore with school and track going on. My goal is to have a slight glimpse of seeing if San Diego is a place I could see myself staying after I graduate in 2 or 3 years. On the side, I’ll be speaking with some professors and exploring Theology. After I leave San Diego, I'll be making my way up California, and then I begin exploring Oregon and maybe Washington and Canada. Growing up, I spent much time in my routine and failed to truly experienced these places I've been so near to.

This whole time, I will hopefully be meeting with professors and pastors in these various areas and learning about Theology and Philosophy to answer some of the obscure beliefs that I've been facing this past semester. Perhaps I will put together some sort of Q&A for them to provide a structure of conversation. I will be going through literary works such as Summa Theologica and The Monstrosity of Christ for supplement of these conversation. Then, I'll be writing essays whichever topics I find worthy. Currently free will and possible prayer are on my mind, but my learning does not only consist of theological issues, but I also plan on practicing guitar constantly on top of piano to develop my musical talents as well.

Change is the most obscure of my goals because I don't know exactly what I want changed, but I do know that I want this summer to change me personally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually (if that's even applicable). To some extent, my other goals will be enough to cause some change in my life, and perhaps I will lead me to be more extroverted in the process. Well, I will have to give this goal more time, even though it’s the most important of all my goals.

Well, this blog is intended to be a place of experiences and progress as they become more evident. I would greatly appreciate those who Subscribe for Email Updates or choose to Follow me via Blogger over the summer. Feel free to place your input on any post which compels you even the slightest.

Theology: Five Interrogative Questions.

Remember back when learning English grammar, you learn the five interrogative question words: who, what, when, where, and why? With my countless number of questions about God and being a "vessel of ideas" (The Rain Fell...), I've managed to barely organize my questions into these interrogative questions.

What is God?
In the Christian tradition, God seems to be this immutable, omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent being, but what do all those mean? These vague characteristics are in need of a more full definition. For simplicity sake, it seems more appropriate for the Christian believe these things and ignore what they truly me and rest on the belief that God as something that cannot be understood. That this "that than which nothing greater can be conceived" being is just as stated and could never be understood but rather must be followed by faith, requiring belief with the possibility that something will not work as hoped. But individuals still seem to rise the argument that they do not believe this God-thing exists but rather they know this God-thing exists, making the distinction between believing and knowing. Isn't the core of Christianity based around the belief that God exists? This Christian statement is contradictory in itself; and for this reason, I'm resting on the fact that although I may not think that God exists, I still hold on the belief that He does.

Who is God?
According to Christian belief, God is an individual who in its core is absolutely necessary, a being that must exist as the first-cause of all that which exists. It is a nice idea to think that all that which exists came into existence through the power of some powerful being who brought it all into existence. Lacking an evolutionary background, this seems to be one idea that, in its absence, leaves me in mystery wondering the origins of nature.

As a supposed all-loving, unchanging, all-powerful, all-knowing Creator, God’s number one characteristic mentioned by Christians today is His love, where the life altering belief of Christianity lies. Does this mean that although life may not seem to be going well, we can dwell on the belief, “At least I am loved by God”? Seems like a crutch, but maybe that’s where the secret resides. Leading me to my next question, “So then what am I to do?” Live life as though my sins have been washed away and follow Christ’s first and foremost commandments to love God and love others? Sounds about right, so why do people get caught up with everyone following the law and producing the works?

When is God?
When is God in respect to time? God is eternal. God is everlasting. Two similar and yet paradoxical ideas. The eternality of God states that He is without beginning or end, “Alpha and Omega,” that He is forever and outside the bounds of time, and therefore infinite. Everlasting, similar in the infinite sense of God’s being, but different stating He is ever lasting, enduring through time. Some would argue that this is just an aspect of God that we cannot understand and beyond our comprehension, similar to what was mentioned in the “What is God?” section. Well, that is an area of God that I cannot go because I cannot come to an firm truth, but just leads me to “Where is God?”

Where is God?
How does this God interact within nature? If this God-thing is outside of nature (Creation) but still interacts within nature, it still seems He is confined only to human conventions in order to present Himself, which beckons the even greater question “Does the will of this God hold power over our own free will?” The vastness of this question simultaneously calls the definitions of the terms into question, the statements of the Bible into question, and ultimately but unintentionally the authority of the Bible into question.

Is God present currently and interacting with our lives today? Did God create the world and let it roll, or is He still working? If He is, how is He working? From the stories of the Bible, I can derive that God interacted with those people, such as that in the supposed exodus and the giving of the Ten Commandments. So I very well believe God is interacting with us in some sort of way, but the extent is murky. Is God leading me to an ultimatum or is He letting me live my life allowing it to flourish where I can be most beneficial to “the Kingdom of God”?

Surely God can place boundaries on my life, but surely He also cannot make me choose the option to love Him. Perhaps I should not say that he cannot make me choose, but He leaves it open for me to choose. Therefore in the end, I will have chosen to love Him out of my own choice, bypassing forced love or forged love.

Why is God?
What is God’s purpose? As the first-cause of all that exists, God was not created with a purpose as that which resides in objects of Creation. More appropriately, what is God’s purpose in relation to mankind? Provide a list of dos and don’ts for people to live by? Interact with humankind and make life easier? Nah. Provide humans with supernatural gifts in order that He may be glorified? Eh, maybe partially. Work supernatural things in the lives of others and divinely reveal Himself? Closer. Redeem His created people from their sin that they may be free? Almost there. Redeem His created people from their sin that they may be free to live a life in which they can work to further His Kingdom of believers? Mmm, I like it.

The Rain Fell, The Floods Came, and The Winds Blew...

Matthew 7:24-27

²⁴"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵"And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. ²⁶"Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. ²⁷"The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell--and great was its fall."

Everyone says that when you come to college, you not only learn new things and meet knew people, but your beliefs are challenged and formulated. On a few occasions last year, I felt some of my beliefs were being challenged. But, the greatest struggle of my first year of college was being in a foreign environment and adapting to all that was around me, realizing the people I wanted to surround myself with and the people I didn't. Life has changed drastically from last year and establishing more of those friendships has begun to flourish. Not until recently though did I begin to truly have my beliefs challenged, nay demolished... obliterated.

Through my philosophy class and some conversations with professors on varying perspectives of theology, I have begun to lose where I stand on my ideology on myself and most importantly God. My philosophical idea on my own psychology has me content with pondering ideas and not coming to some sort of consensus but rather thinking about myself for the sake of learning. This has opened me up to the different theological perspectives and seeing where they stand, but not absolutely see the harmony between ideas or even figure what I believe myself. "This idea makes sense. That idea makes sense. Which one fits the best in my web of beliefs? (If I even have a belief that is founded on logical methods)"

Throughout the Christian environment, there are universal beliefs on the character of God, but give it a little bit more thought and where do these terms come from and how do they come from? They don't really seem to be mentioned in the Bible, given the Bible has absolute credibility; and if they are stated, they seem to be blown out of proportion. To some extent, it seems these beliefs are held onto out of pure ignorance and possibly insecurity.

Recently, the most difficult task has been not using my faith in God as a "crutch." To think of this idea of a God that loves us all regardless and His Son died on a cross so that we can live "free" all sounds a little obscure. Yes, I know it's supposed to, but lately, the church spends much focus on the love of God, the love, the love, the love. "Don't worry, God loves you." Could it be that given someone eases up on the stress of life, they are more relaxed, perform better, optimism rises, and they are able to see some good in life suddenly?

Gnostic ideas lead me to Christ being the expert on humanity and knew the best way in which humans could function, in community with one another supported by good deeds; but that idea dies after taking a glance at the miracles and then the resurrection. But even, the resurrection is about the only thread holding me to what I believed before, and if that never happened, we're left with nothing. So I've been battling feelings of agnosticism, and pondering the existence and character of God.

To those around me, I've described myself as this vessel of ideas, but I don't know what is true and I don't have any sort of foundation. But the key aspect of Christianity is belief and faith. Although I may not think some things are true, although I may doubt some of which I've been told, Christianity requires having faith. Don't toss out what you've been told because you've become skeptical on its rationality. One of my professors was telling me that the thing about us youth is that we become so passionate about a new belief we have, and we jump from passion to passion. Slow down and give it more thought. So in light of my skepticism, I'm holding a remote foundation and discovering my beliefs on God.

Becoming Fully Equipped with Community

"Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."
-Galatians 6:2

"Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves."
-Romans 15:1

Community. Recently, the idea of community has be lingering in my head. The other day, I just finished my book No More Mr. Nice Guy, which emphasizes that overcoming the "Nice Guy Syndrome" requires opening oneself up to a safe person. This ideology conflicted with mine because for the longest time, I had this belief that whenever I encountered a problem, I had to handle it myself. From childhood, I had this belief that in order for me to grow, I had to take care of it. If I let someone else help me out, I missed out on a vital learning experience. So as life grew tougher and problems weren't so easy to solve on my own, I still would keep them to myself in efforts to solve them myself. By then, I came to this reaction that my problems were my problems and no one else cared to solve them. So the idea that I needed to ask someone else to help me out did not seem right. Even though I felt I had to challenge problems on my own, I still felt the greatest desire to have someone help me out, but my own theory on how problems should be handled was distorted.

Lately, God has been making efforts to obliterate that unhealthy paradigm, efforts that were subtle, others that were direct, some that left me in tears, and more that made me smile. Last week I sat in my philosophy class dumbfounded by the conversation flying around me. Entering philosophy, you hold a set of beliefs, and mine was being challenged. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't upset by that. Actually I love the challenge because I'm a thinker, but for some reason, I couldn't come to any sort of conclusion incorporating new information into my beliefs and kicking out what I thought was wrong. With all the "community" running through my mind recently though, I realized that questions need to be asked. I had an "information overload," and I needed to ask some questions, not so much about philosophy but primarily other questions that have been sitting on my chest for years. And the first question I could think of.. "What is the importance of community?"

Once I thought up this question, I sent it out to two guys that I look up to but rarely see. My friend back home said, "I think being in a community of quality relationships is one of the healthiest things for any person." I've always understood that community is good, but maybe I underestimated it. I've been so set on my personal independence that I ruled out accepting help from someone else. So I asked him when does one decide they want help, and his response was, "when you can't do something or if you're having trouble figuring something out." After more inquiry and an explanation of my adamant independence, he explained to me that "being adamant doesn't help if you don't have the right tools for the job. If you're truly adamant about fixing, don't let pride or fear get in the way, cuz your goal should be to fix the problem at any cost." This is where I truly paused. I pondered about it a little and realized that I've been trying to do something ill-equipped. I'm trying to hammer a nail with a potato. It's not how a task should be done.
The other friend I asked the question responded with a similar question about asking for help. He graduated a Biblical Studies major and is now interning a church that is starting up in Orange County. So I could count on him for a Biblical answer that wouldn't overlook the most important aspect, God. His response about asking for help convicted me in itself: "Most any struggle or experience should be shared if you have ANY conviction from the holy spirit that you should do so. It comes down to whether or not you are convicted that you need to share. Can you no longer bear this burden alone? Or do you need help?" There are definitely those things that could easily carry on a good conversation, but I choose not to ask.

Ultimately, I realized the importance of community. Situations arise in our lives that we cannot and are meant not to handle alone. Overcoming and changing unhealthy paradigms will consist of help from another person. Whether its encouragement or strengthening, its a near requirement for the desired outcome to happen. It is far too easy to fall back on old habits when there is no encouragement or external reminder to keep going. So that's one of my goals. Participate in community by sharing myself with others and allowing them to bear some of the weight of my burdens because jeepers, this load can get heavy.

Kingdom-Minded

Lately, it seems God is really showing me the value of His Kingdom, that my focus needs to be on the Kingdom. I will admit that this school year has not be the best. With its ups and downs, it's felt sufficient, but hasn't been the "blast" that I was expecting. Friends from last year have graduated, and I was trying to find my place in this drastically different semester. My thoughts about Oregon, home, were hindering me from progressing where I was, San Diego. I couldn't find a routine and just found it hard to adapt to the Loma lifestyle. It was so different. At home, although all my friends lived far apart, we all still hung out and basically counted on each other being able to hang out. At Loma, everyone is super close (geographically), giving them a plethora of people to hang out with, and for some reason, I was having a hard time getting into the swing of that, different dynamics.

Being from Oregon where there's beautiful natural scenery and coming to San Diego where there's city beauty just didn't click well for me. The hills, the mountains, the snow, the lakes, etc. They were home. That's where my beauty was. I couldn't see the beauty in the ocean anymore. Beyond the ocean and it's sunsets, there was nothing. At a lake in oregon, you have the massive body of water with some trees and maybe a mountain in the background as well as the sunset. I found that beautiful. Oregon had the colors of fall and the redemption of rain. Beauty. In one of my recent posts, What a Beautiful God.. , I wrote about beauty, leading from the beauty of nature to the beauty of God's nature toward us, His people. I've realized that God has beauty all over, but I was too "homesick" to realize the beauty that was around me.

On Sunday at Flood, my church in San Diego, Pastor Matt mentioned contentment then went into this message about generosity/giving. As he spoke about contentment, I realized how ungrateful I've been at times, thinking about all these if only's. Although I may not see its beauty at times, I'm blessed have a view of the ocean everyday. Although I love the rain at times, I'm blessed to have weather to play outside in everyday. Although I may feel out of place at times, I forget God led me here for a reason, but I've forgotten His faithfulness.

Recently, a really good friend of mine down here, who just so happens to also be from Oregon, had a good talk last week about Loma, and it made me realize something: I need to "Just GO!" By go I don't mean "to leave" but rather do something for God's Kingdom. Just do something when I feel the Spirit leads. Whether it's talk to a certain person or pray for an individual (not necessarily directly) or whatever else, just go. My purpose in God is for the Kingdom. I'm a child of God, so I gotta live out of that truth and do some Kingdom work. The nonessentials will fall into place after that.

What a Beautiful God..

Over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, a few friends and I made the trek over to Tempe, Arizona where a friend's aunt lives. With a long weekend, it would be fun to just get out of San Diego and see something different. Some may think it's crazy that we went from San Diego to Arizona because San Diego's a remarkable city in itself, but to be honest, seeing it everyday makes leaving for just a weekend something that must almost be done.

Driving through the mountains and the desert was something I could enjoy. I saw beauty in the rock formations and the pillaring mountains in the distance. To some extent, it reminded me of home back in Oregon, just a lot drier and a lot warmer (for this season at least). Looking at them I just thought more about God's amazing beauty, that He created all these different places, different environments, containing various plant and animal life.

When we arrived to the house in Tempe, we changed our clothes, and my friend's aunt quickly sped us over to a mountain that we would hike and see the sunset. We didn't have time to make it to the top, but we still made it to a portion of the mountain with an outstanding view of the sunset. Just like any other location, the sunset was as beautiful as ever, another slice of the beauty that God showed me over the trip.  

As we were sitting around the house recovering from our drive and then our hike, one of my friends played a song that used to be on my original "February" playlist, "Beautiful" by Shawn McDonald. I hadn't heard this song in a while, but it could not have come back up at a better time. This song is about insignificant man in comparison to our grand God. This guy is looking at all the beauty around him, the sun the stars, and asks the question "What am I?" God created all these beautiful and marvelous things, things way bigger than us, as well as ourselves. We feel so incomparable to the mountains, the sunsets, the galaxies, and yet He died for us that we might live. Might, His death does not guarantee us life. It's up to us to accept it or not. He died for us to give us the option of a better life, His pain, His suffering, for an alternative option for our lives.

As I look into the stars
Pondering how far away they are
How You hold them in Your hands
And still You know this man
You know my inner most being, oh
Even better than I know, than I know myself
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God
And what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I, what am I
As I look off into the distance
Watching the sun roll on by
Beautiful colors all around me, oh
Painted all over the sky
The same hands that created all of this
They created you and I
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God
And what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I
That You might die, that I might live
What am I, what am I, what am I, what am I
What am I
What am I

Our time in Arizona came to a glorious end when we decided to wake up and hike to the top of that mountain to see the sunrise before we left. Getting college students up at 5:30 in the morning on a day off of classes is a difficult task, but we got ourselves to do it. We packed up our things, ate a bagel, and went on our way over the Camelback Mountain. We got to the mountain around 6:30 and began to the top through the darkness with our night vision that hardly kicked in. As we climbed up the familiar and easy part of the trail with steps and railings, it gradually became lighter, and we could see more. We reached one viewpoint but knew we knew we could not stop because we needed to make it to the top before the sun rose.

The hike became more and more difficult as we raced up the mountain, and I didn't have the energy I had a couple days before and didn't really know where I was going. I wasn't jumping from rock to rock and hopping from here to there. As I became more tired, I started asking myself where my energy had gone. Soon enough, I realized I was still waking up, I had maybe 5 hours of sleep, and I hadn't eaten a full meal since 4pm the day before (excluding the ice cream cookie sandwich the night before and bagel that morning). Despite it all, I knew I had to keep climbing to make it to the top for the sunrise. I desperately wanted to see the beauty God had in store.

After taking some unnecessary detours and quick swigs of water, I made in to the top with time to spare. A few minutes later, two of my friends that I had "lost" about midway had made it up. We sat there and resting and just watching the sun rise up over the mountains in the distance. As I was taking pictures, "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham came to mind and I started singing it to myself as I marveled in God's beauty: "I see Your face in every sunrise. The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes. The world awakens in the light of the day. I look up to the sky and say, 'You're Beautiful.'"

Looking back at this past weekend, I can't help but smile thinking about all the beauty God showed me. The climb up that mountain reminds me so much of an attitude towards God. There are numerous metaphors for climbing mountains, overcoming struggles, accomplishing a great task, etc; but for me, climbing this mountain is how I want to pursue the Father. Our relationship with God involves coming out of the darkness and into the light. That transition requires obstacles, but they are most beneficial alongside perseverance. Though life may bring struggles, I will keep my focus on the Father and know that He has sometime glorious in the end. If I don't continue to go, I might delay the process or possibly even miss it.
Just GO!

I Hear You Say, "My Love is Over."

Tonight, I was searching through some old Christian music I used to listen to, some of the core music I rested my faith on my senior year of high school when things weren't the best. In February 2009, I took a straight month dedicated strictly to Christian music, and now it's become basically my life, with occasional secular songs mixed in. I created a playlist called "February," consisting solely my favorite Christian songs, it's still called that and songs have been moved in and out. One of the popular bands for me was Tenth Avenue North, a Christian band from West Palm Beach, Florida. Their album Over and Underneath flooded my primary "February" playlist. Listening to them now brings back memories of senior year. One of my favorite songs off of this album is "Times," where the album get's its title.

"Times" is a song that begins with a man's prayer to God. In the first two verses, the guy is praying to God, and God responds in the last. The guy is experiencing problems trusting the Lord and allowing Him to work in his life. He doesn't see God and feels he's fallen too far away for God's forgiveness, but God responds telling him the depths of His love. It's over, underneath, inside, and in between.

Back in high school, I absolutely loved this song. There were times when I realized some of the stupid things I had done, times when I thought no one was on my side, and times when I thought I was in it alone. This song was a great reminder that God is with me wherever I go. It takes my mind on a rollercoaster through the places in my life where I can see God's love, although I had never seen it there before. It's one of those songs that gets me looking back and connecting the dots of where I've seen God working. It's humbling. It's comforting. It's reaffirming God's character. Today, I think about it along with difficult decisions and life's changing winds to keep my focus on the Father and His faithfulness. "I hear You say, 'My love is over. It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between.'"

Give it a listen... It's slow but I like it.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Somebody's Baby

As part of my New Year's resolution, I've been picking up my guitar a little bit more. One of my favorite acoustic artists is Jon Foreman, lead singer from Switchfoot; but I absolutely love his individual material. It's beautiful. I had started to learn some of his songs during the summer, but it wasn't until recently that my feelings towards one of his songs on the Winter album shifted. After that incident with the girl who made my day, "Somebody's Baby" has been seen in a new light. Listen to this song and read the lyrics.



I never really new what the song meant until recently. I knew how to play along, but I never actually sang the lyrics. Before, I just thought the song was talking about some girl being mistreated but in God's eyes, she was seen as a precious daugther. After I actually was reading the lyrics as I played along, I froze and just thought about that girl. Now whenever I hear this song, my heart just goes out to her.

This song is about a struggling homeless woman, who was beaten or raped and chose to end her life. I love how Foreman uses the allusion of the moment in John 8 when the adultress is brought before Christ to have her stoned to death in order to signify that she had no one for her. She was rejected and an outcast with no one on her side. I'm sure that's exactly how the girl that came up to me that day felt as she expressed it explicitly in her words and her scars. My feelings towards her were just as this song "She is a child of God, still worthy of the Kingdom."

This song got me thinking more about God's children, transforming my views towards those I've overlooked, the homeless, the "emos," the youth, etc. They are all children of God, yet why don't I take that much time encouraging them to join the Kingdom. My salvation is set. It's their faith that I'm concerned about. As I've started to become more aware of the feelings of others, I'm trying to figure out the best way to present God's invitation into the Kingdom so that they may figure out that they shouldn't try to end their life because they're the ones worth dying for. They're somebody's baby...

The Girl Who Made My Day...

Has God ever totally caught you off guard? Has He ever show you that there's a much bigger picture? Has He ever instantly brought you from a moment of laughter to a moment where you're trying to hold back tears? He did that to me yesterday. The most shocking part, it was completely irrelevant to myself. It was a glimpse of God's Kingdom.. or lack there of.

A few friends of mine and I just finished up watching the Oregon State / Washington game and headed over to Washington Square Mall over in Beaverton to grab some food. As we walked through Dick's Sporting Goods to enter the mall, I was touching jackets and feeling shorts on all the mannequins, saying things like "Oooo.. This feels really nice" and "Woh! these feel comfy!" I was just being my goofy ol' self pointing out the silliest of things. Then, I came up to a mannequin wearing UnderArmor spandex pants, and being in Dick's, all the mannequins are ripped beyond all reason. Once I saw him, I yelled "WOH! He's so ripped!" as I groped his thigh. I thought nothing of it, I was just trying to be a goof, but right after I did it, I looked to my right and saw a early-mid high school aged hispanic girl trying desperately to hold back her laughter. Continuing to be a goof, I said an awkward "uhhh" and walked away. Glancing back, I saw the girl walk up to her friend and bust up laughing.

My friends and I continued to walk towards the food court, and the girl and her friend followed not to far behind. I didn't find it too strange. I just assume that some people are eccentric, so not expecting the strange places a limitation on the moment. As we neared the escalators to the food court, she came up from behind me and said, "Sorry, if this is weird but I would just like to say thank you because you just made my day." Still being a goober, I was slightly startled she said anything to me, but I jocularly I responded to her saying that she made my day. Little did I know, she would affect my day drastically.

After grabbing our food, we pushed together some table to accommodate our whole group. Within the food court, there were a number of TVs playing various music videos, and my friends and I were joking around, singing songs. After 10-15 minutes pass I looked to my left and saw the girl once again, sitting 20-30 ft away from us. I made note to my friends that she was right over there, and they began making jokes of how she was gonna come over and start hitting on me or something.

As I continued to eat my food, someone pointed out that she got up and joked that she was going to make the loop around and talk to me. I assumed that she was just getting up to leave the food court, mall, or whatever; and when she actually did come up behind me and grab my attention, I was surprised once again. This time she told me, "I don't want you to think I'm like a stalker or anything, but you seriously just made my year." To joke back with her once again I responded by saying, "Your year? That's a lot, and it's only just begun!" Everyone at the table laughed as someone mentioned that it was only the 8th of January. She said, "No, my year. You have no idea. My life sucks." Upon hearing that with my Christian mindset, I immediately thought that life doesn't suck, we need to see our blessings. I simply responded with a humorous "No, I'm sure it doesn't" type saying. At that moment, she told replied, "No, it really does," as she showed me her arm with numerous scars from her self injury. Immediately, my heart sank.

"Why would you do that?!" I questioned her. "You are so blessed!" She went off on how all the people in her life are "fags," uncaring and unloving people. Once she mentioned her parents, I thought of my friend Katie Mullen who lost both her parents in her early teenage years, and I tried to tell this girl that at least she has parents. She told me that she wish she didn't have parents and that she tried to kill herself once. I was so broken-hearted that I didn't know what to say. My mind was racing. I couldn't say "Jesus loves you" because that would be stupid. That's a horrible way to present the gospel and would turn her off. All I could say was "I hope and pray that you see how blessed you truly are." She just said, "If I had a penny for every time I heard that…" So, she wrapped up the conversation and went to give me a high five. I gave her one and held her hand for a second and didn't want to let it go… I didn't want her to just leave like that, but I had no idea what to say. As I let her hand go and she walked away, my heart sank even more.

I sat there completely devastated, absolutely caught off guard by all that she said and what just happened. I felt so bad for her. Sympathy overwhelmed me as I held back tears. I wanted to show her the love of Christ, without sounding like an idiot.. in a way that would intrigue her to the gospel. In awe, I sat there pondering what was God's purpose in this situation? To show me my sympathy for those in pain? To show me it (God's Kingdom) is much greater than I? To show me that I must reach out? I prayed for an answer. I prayed for her. I prayed for Him to bring her back. I was not yet done. I wanted to listen to her.

The rest of our time there I fought tears as I continued to look around me for that girl. I didn't even get so much as a name, but she will never be just some girl. She will be to me a broken girl, who is in crucial need for the love of Christ. From this, I have a resurrected desire to reach out to the youth in pain. Too often are we "preaching to the choir," using Christianity to make ourselves and fellow Christians feel better about themselves. I've forgotten that we are called to expand the Kingdom of God to all people. It's time for me to work on my gospel gameplan. Next time… I want to be prepared.

Where the Wild Things Are

I just finished watching "Where the Wild Things Are," and to be honest, I loved it. Before watching it, my friends were telling me that it was a horrible movie with no plot. So I was not expecting the best when I started the movie, but afterwards, I felt I followed the storyline directly.

All I can remember from the book as a child was that Max's imagination grows rampant taking him on this adventure to an island where the wild things are. The movie does a phenomenal job of abstracting that idea into a full-length movie. The director and author together expanded that idea to get the viewer into the mindset of a child, playful and imaginative. Max was a child who was dying for friendship and relationship. Missing the "care" of his mother and sister gives him feelings of loneliness, and he does what almost any child would do and goes to dire lengths to get that attention from them. After running away, he discovers the boat where his imagination grows and takes him to the island where the wild things are.

On the island, he meets the wild things, whom become his friends. One of the wild things, Carol, becomes good friends with Max and shares almost the personality as Max, wanting that relationship and friendship. Once Max befriends some of the other wild things, Carol's jealousy grows and becomes eager for Max's attention, similar to how Max felt with his sister and mother. After seeing Carol's and some of the other wild things behaviors, and he learns the irrationality of some of his own actions. Eventually, Max's imagination leads him back into reality and into his mother's arms.

Ultimately, I liked the movie because I could connect with it so well. My introverted personality truly values those close relationships and when it seems like those go sour, it feels hurtful. From Max's disregard from his mother's moments of love and acceptance of the few moments of inattentiveness, I realized that you cannot always receive the constant love from another person. We all want to be loved, but no love from anyone is perfect, except that from God. There will be conflict, but don't allow that to destroy the relationship. We're all human, and it doesn't mean they don't care. As a child, I definitely remember those Max moments where I was eager for someone to dive into my imagination with me. The past forms who we are today, and without reconciliation of the past, we cannot fully correct the present. I love how children's movies teach us so much about ourselves and life.