Kingdom-Minded

Lately, it seems God is really showing me the value of His Kingdom, that my focus needs to be on the Kingdom. I will admit that this school year has not be the best. With its ups and downs, it's felt sufficient, but hasn't been the "blast" that I was expecting. Friends from last year have graduated, and I was trying to find my place in this drastically different semester. My thoughts about Oregon, home, were hindering me from progressing where I was, San Diego. I couldn't find a routine and just found it hard to adapt to the Loma lifestyle. It was so different. At home, although all my friends lived far apart, we all still hung out and basically counted on each other being able to hang out. At Loma, everyone is super close (geographically), giving them a plethora of people to hang out with, and for some reason, I was having a hard time getting into the swing of that, different dynamics.

Being from Oregon where there's beautiful natural scenery and coming to San Diego where there's city beauty just didn't click well for me. The hills, the mountains, the snow, the lakes, etc. They were home. That's where my beauty was. I couldn't see the beauty in the ocean anymore. Beyond the ocean and it's sunsets, there was nothing. At a lake in oregon, you have the massive body of water with some trees and maybe a mountain in the background as well as the sunset. I found that beautiful. Oregon had the colors of fall and the redemption of rain. Beauty. In one of my recent posts, What a Beautiful God.. , I wrote about beauty, leading from the beauty of nature to the beauty of God's nature toward us, His people. I've realized that God has beauty all over, but I was too "homesick" to realize the beauty that was around me.

On Sunday at Flood, my church in San Diego, Pastor Matt mentioned contentment then went into this message about generosity/giving. As he spoke about contentment, I realized how ungrateful I've been at times, thinking about all these if only's. Although I may not see its beauty at times, I'm blessed have a view of the ocean everyday. Although I love the rain at times, I'm blessed to have weather to play outside in everyday. Although I may feel out of place at times, I forget God led me here for a reason, but I've forgotten His faithfulness.

Recently, a really good friend of mine down here, who just so happens to also be from Oregon, had a good talk last week about Loma, and it made me realize something: I need to "Just GO!" By go I don't mean "to leave" but rather do something for God's Kingdom. Just do something when I feel the Spirit leads. Whether it's talk to a certain person or pray for an individual (not necessarily directly) or whatever else, just go. My purpose in God is for the Kingdom. I'm a child of God, so I gotta live out of that truth and do some Kingdom work. The nonessentials will fall into place after that.

What a Beautiful God..

Over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, a few friends and I made the trek over to Tempe, Arizona where a friend's aunt lives. With a long weekend, it would be fun to just get out of San Diego and see something different. Some may think it's crazy that we went from San Diego to Arizona because San Diego's a remarkable city in itself, but to be honest, seeing it everyday makes leaving for just a weekend something that must almost be done.

Driving through the mountains and the desert was something I could enjoy. I saw beauty in the rock formations and the pillaring mountains in the distance. To some extent, it reminded me of home back in Oregon, just a lot drier and a lot warmer (for this season at least). Looking at them I just thought more about God's amazing beauty, that He created all these different places, different environments, containing various plant and animal life.

When we arrived to the house in Tempe, we changed our clothes, and my friend's aunt quickly sped us over to a mountain that we would hike and see the sunset. We didn't have time to make it to the top, but we still made it to a portion of the mountain with an outstanding view of the sunset. Just like any other location, the sunset was as beautiful as ever, another slice of the beauty that God showed me over the trip.  

As we were sitting around the house recovering from our drive and then our hike, one of my friends played a song that used to be on my original "February" playlist, "Beautiful" by Shawn McDonald. I hadn't heard this song in a while, but it could not have come back up at a better time. This song is about insignificant man in comparison to our grand God. This guy is looking at all the beauty around him, the sun the stars, and asks the question "What am I?" God created all these beautiful and marvelous things, things way bigger than us, as well as ourselves. We feel so incomparable to the mountains, the sunsets, the galaxies, and yet He died for us that we might live. Might, His death does not guarantee us life. It's up to us to accept it or not. He died for us to give us the option of a better life, His pain, His suffering, for an alternative option for our lives.

As I look into the stars
Pondering how far away they are
How You hold them in Your hands
And still You know this man
You know my inner most being, oh
Even better than I know, than I know myself
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God
And what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I, what am I
As I look off into the distance
Watching the sun roll on by
Beautiful colors all around me, oh
Painted all over the sky
The same hands that created all of this
They created you and I
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God
And what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I
That You might die, that I might live
What am I, what am I, what am I, what am I
What am I
What am I

Our time in Arizona came to a glorious end when we decided to wake up and hike to the top of that mountain to see the sunrise before we left. Getting college students up at 5:30 in the morning on a day off of classes is a difficult task, but we got ourselves to do it. We packed up our things, ate a bagel, and went on our way over the Camelback Mountain. We got to the mountain around 6:30 and began to the top through the darkness with our night vision that hardly kicked in. As we climbed up the familiar and easy part of the trail with steps and railings, it gradually became lighter, and we could see more. We reached one viewpoint but knew we knew we could not stop because we needed to make it to the top before the sun rose.

The hike became more and more difficult as we raced up the mountain, and I didn't have the energy I had a couple days before and didn't really know where I was going. I wasn't jumping from rock to rock and hopping from here to there. As I became more tired, I started asking myself where my energy had gone. Soon enough, I realized I was still waking up, I had maybe 5 hours of sleep, and I hadn't eaten a full meal since 4pm the day before (excluding the ice cream cookie sandwich the night before and bagel that morning). Despite it all, I knew I had to keep climbing to make it to the top for the sunrise. I desperately wanted to see the beauty God had in store.

After taking some unnecessary detours and quick swigs of water, I made in to the top with time to spare. A few minutes later, two of my friends that I had "lost" about midway had made it up. We sat there and resting and just watching the sun rise up over the mountains in the distance. As I was taking pictures, "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham came to mind and I started singing it to myself as I marveled in God's beauty: "I see Your face in every sunrise. The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes. The world awakens in the light of the day. I look up to the sky and say, 'You're Beautiful.'"

Looking back at this past weekend, I can't help but smile thinking about all the beauty God showed me. The climb up that mountain reminds me so much of an attitude towards God. There are numerous metaphors for climbing mountains, overcoming struggles, accomplishing a great task, etc; but for me, climbing this mountain is how I want to pursue the Father. Our relationship with God involves coming out of the darkness and into the light. That transition requires obstacles, but they are most beneficial alongside perseverance. Though life may bring struggles, I will keep my focus on the Father and know that He has sometime glorious in the end. If I don't continue to go, I might delay the process or possibly even miss it.
Just GO!

I Hear You Say, "My Love is Over."

Tonight, I was searching through some old Christian music I used to listen to, some of the core music I rested my faith on my senior year of high school when things weren't the best. In February 2009, I took a straight month dedicated strictly to Christian music, and now it's become basically my life, with occasional secular songs mixed in. I created a playlist called "February," consisting solely my favorite Christian songs, it's still called that and songs have been moved in and out. One of the popular bands for me was Tenth Avenue North, a Christian band from West Palm Beach, Florida. Their album Over and Underneath flooded my primary "February" playlist. Listening to them now brings back memories of senior year. One of my favorite songs off of this album is "Times," where the album get's its title.

"Times" is a song that begins with a man's prayer to God. In the first two verses, the guy is praying to God, and God responds in the last. The guy is experiencing problems trusting the Lord and allowing Him to work in his life. He doesn't see God and feels he's fallen too far away for God's forgiveness, but God responds telling him the depths of His love. It's over, underneath, inside, and in between.

Back in high school, I absolutely loved this song. There were times when I realized some of the stupid things I had done, times when I thought no one was on my side, and times when I thought I was in it alone. This song was a great reminder that God is with me wherever I go. It takes my mind on a rollercoaster through the places in my life where I can see God's love, although I had never seen it there before. It's one of those songs that gets me looking back and connecting the dots of where I've seen God working. It's humbling. It's comforting. It's reaffirming God's character. Today, I think about it along with difficult decisions and life's changing winds to keep my focus on the Father and His faithfulness. "I hear You say, 'My love is over. It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between.'"

Give it a listen... It's slow but I like it.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Somebody's Baby

As part of my New Year's resolution, I've been picking up my guitar a little bit more. One of my favorite acoustic artists is Jon Foreman, lead singer from Switchfoot; but I absolutely love his individual material. It's beautiful. I had started to learn some of his songs during the summer, but it wasn't until recently that my feelings towards one of his songs on the Winter album shifted. After that incident with the girl who made my day, "Somebody's Baby" has been seen in a new light. Listen to this song and read the lyrics.



I never really new what the song meant until recently. I knew how to play along, but I never actually sang the lyrics. Before, I just thought the song was talking about some girl being mistreated but in God's eyes, she was seen as a precious daugther. After I actually was reading the lyrics as I played along, I froze and just thought about that girl. Now whenever I hear this song, my heart just goes out to her.

This song is about a struggling homeless woman, who was beaten or raped and chose to end her life. I love how Foreman uses the allusion of the moment in John 8 when the adultress is brought before Christ to have her stoned to death in order to signify that she had no one for her. She was rejected and an outcast with no one on her side. I'm sure that's exactly how the girl that came up to me that day felt as she expressed it explicitly in her words and her scars. My feelings towards her were just as this song "She is a child of God, still worthy of the Kingdom."

This song got me thinking more about God's children, transforming my views towards those I've overlooked, the homeless, the "emos," the youth, etc. They are all children of God, yet why don't I take that much time encouraging them to join the Kingdom. My salvation is set. It's their faith that I'm concerned about. As I've started to become more aware of the feelings of others, I'm trying to figure out the best way to present God's invitation into the Kingdom so that they may figure out that they shouldn't try to end their life because they're the ones worth dying for. They're somebody's baby...

The Girl Who Made My Day...

Has God ever totally caught you off guard? Has He ever show you that there's a much bigger picture? Has He ever instantly brought you from a moment of laughter to a moment where you're trying to hold back tears? He did that to me yesterday. The most shocking part, it was completely irrelevant to myself. It was a glimpse of God's Kingdom.. or lack there of.

A few friends of mine and I just finished up watching the Oregon State / Washington game and headed over to Washington Square Mall over in Beaverton to grab some food. As we walked through Dick's Sporting Goods to enter the mall, I was touching jackets and feeling shorts on all the mannequins, saying things like "Oooo.. This feels really nice" and "Woh! these feel comfy!" I was just being my goofy ol' self pointing out the silliest of things. Then, I came up to a mannequin wearing UnderArmor spandex pants, and being in Dick's, all the mannequins are ripped beyond all reason. Once I saw him, I yelled "WOH! He's so ripped!" as I groped his thigh. I thought nothing of it, I was just trying to be a goof, but right after I did it, I looked to my right and saw a early-mid high school aged hispanic girl trying desperately to hold back her laughter. Continuing to be a goof, I said an awkward "uhhh" and walked away. Glancing back, I saw the girl walk up to her friend and bust up laughing.

My friends and I continued to walk towards the food court, and the girl and her friend followed not to far behind. I didn't find it too strange. I just assume that some people are eccentric, so not expecting the strange places a limitation on the moment. As we neared the escalators to the food court, she came up from behind me and said, "Sorry, if this is weird but I would just like to say thank you because you just made my day." Still being a goober, I was slightly startled she said anything to me, but I jocularly I responded to her saying that she made my day. Little did I know, she would affect my day drastically.

After grabbing our food, we pushed together some table to accommodate our whole group. Within the food court, there were a number of TVs playing various music videos, and my friends and I were joking around, singing songs. After 10-15 minutes pass I looked to my left and saw the girl once again, sitting 20-30 ft away from us. I made note to my friends that she was right over there, and they began making jokes of how she was gonna come over and start hitting on me or something.

As I continued to eat my food, someone pointed out that she got up and joked that she was going to make the loop around and talk to me. I assumed that she was just getting up to leave the food court, mall, or whatever; and when she actually did come up behind me and grab my attention, I was surprised once again. This time she told me, "I don't want you to think I'm like a stalker or anything, but you seriously just made my year." To joke back with her once again I responded by saying, "Your year? That's a lot, and it's only just begun!" Everyone at the table laughed as someone mentioned that it was only the 8th of January. She said, "No, my year. You have no idea. My life sucks." Upon hearing that with my Christian mindset, I immediately thought that life doesn't suck, we need to see our blessings. I simply responded with a humorous "No, I'm sure it doesn't" type saying. At that moment, she told replied, "No, it really does," as she showed me her arm with numerous scars from her self injury. Immediately, my heart sank.

"Why would you do that?!" I questioned her. "You are so blessed!" She went off on how all the people in her life are "fags," uncaring and unloving people. Once she mentioned her parents, I thought of my friend Katie Mullen who lost both her parents in her early teenage years, and I tried to tell this girl that at least she has parents. She told me that she wish she didn't have parents and that she tried to kill herself once. I was so broken-hearted that I didn't know what to say. My mind was racing. I couldn't say "Jesus loves you" because that would be stupid. That's a horrible way to present the gospel and would turn her off. All I could say was "I hope and pray that you see how blessed you truly are." She just said, "If I had a penny for every time I heard that…" So, she wrapped up the conversation and went to give me a high five. I gave her one and held her hand for a second and didn't want to let it go… I didn't want her to just leave like that, but I had no idea what to say. As I let her hand go and she walked away, my heart sank even more.

I sat there completely devastated, absolutely caught off guard by all that she said and what just happened. I felt so bad for her. Sympathy overwhelmed me as I held back tears. I wanted to show her the love of Christ, without sounding like an idiot.. in a way that would intrigue her to the gospel. In awe, I sat there pondering what was God's purpose in this situation? To show me my sympathy for those in pain? To show me it (God's Kingdom) is much greater than I? To show me that I must reach out? I prayed for an answer. I prayed for her. I prayed for Him to bring her back. I was not yet done. I wanted to listen to her.

The rest of our time there I fought tears as I continued to look around me for that girl. I didn't even get so much as a name, but she will never be just some girl. She will be to me a broken girl, who is in crucial need for the love of Christ. From this, I have a resurrected desire to reach out to the youth in pain. Too often are we "preaching to the choir," using Christianity to make ourselves and fellow Christians feel better about themselves. I've forgotten that we are called to expand the Kingdom of God to all people. It's time for me to work on my gospel gameplan. Next time… I want to be prepared.

Where the Wild Things Are

I just finished watching "Where the Wild Things Are," and to be honest, I loved it. Before watching it, my friends were telling me that it was a horrible movie with no plot. So I was not expecting the best when I started the movie, but afterwards, I felt I followed the storyline directly.

All I can remember from the book as a child was that Max's imagination grows rampant taking him on this adventure to an island where the wild things are. The movie does a phenomenal job of abstracting that idea into a full-length movie. The director and author together expanded that idea to get the viewer into the mindset of a child, playful and imaginative. Max was a child who was dying for friendship and relationship. Missing the "care" of his mother and sister gives him feelings of loneliness, and he does what almost any child would do and goes to dire lengths to get that attention from them. After running away, he discovers the boat where his imagination grows and takes him to the island where the wild things are.

On the island, he meets the wild things, whom become his friends. One of the wild things, Carol, becomes good friends with Max and shares almost the personality as Max, wanting that relationship and friendship. Once Max befriends some of the other wild things, Carol's jealousy grows and becomes eager for Max's attention, similar to how Max felt with his sister and mother. After seeing Carol's and some of the other wild things behaviors, and he learns the irrationality of some of his own actions. Eventually, Max's imagination leads him back into reality and into his mother's arms.

Ultimately, I liked the movie because I could connect with it so well. My introverted personality truly values those close relationships and when it seems like those go sour, it feels hurtful. From Max's disregard from his mother's moments of love and acceptance of the few moments of inattentiveness, I realized that you cannot always receive the constant love from another person. We all want to be loved, but no love from anyone is perfect, except that from God. There will be conflict, but don't allow that to destroy the relationship. We're all human, and it doesn't mean they don't care. As a child, I definitely remember those Max moments where I was eager for someone to dive into my imagination with me. The past forms who we are today, and without reconciliation of the past, we cannot fully correct the present. I love how children's movies teach us so much about ourselves and life.